


Lost Hope

by RogerJaSm



Series: A Hopeful Universe [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst and Feels, Cheating, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Infidelity, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-14 08:28:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14132139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RogerJaSm/pseuds/RogerJaSm
Summary: Black Widow has been sent on a SHIELD assignment, coursing her to be gone for over 4 months. However as an undisclosed disaster happens, she has been delayed in coming back for another 3 months. When she finally returns can she live with the consequences of what she and her mission have done to Tony?





	Lost Hope

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer:
> 
> This story can become slightly dark in some places, while also mentioning, suicide and alcohol abuse, it also is unforgivably harsh towards Natasha. If that sort of thing puts you off i wouldn't recommend reading this story.

“Boss, Miss Potts is on the line would you like me to put her through?” F.R.I.D.A.Y asked, concern en-lacing each of her words.

“Tell ‘er ill call her back ‘morrow” Tony slurred drunkenly. It had been 7 Months since Natasha had left for her last mission, originally telling him that it was going to be no longer than 4, however after being contacted by Fury saying that Natasha had gotten held up dealing with another disaster, they couldn't be sure when she was going to return.

Tony had been incapable of sleeping for the last few weeks, the only times he would inevitably succumb to it was from shear-exhaustion. He couldn’t bare sleep from the constant nightmares he was burdened with, seeing her either dead or in the arms of another man had slowly broken him. He had been held up in the tower drinking what little life he thought was left away, he slowly rose from the penthouses settee walking/stumbling out onto the balcony. He looked down at the hustle & bustle of New York at night, the self-depreciating thoughts pushing to the forefront, plaguing his thoughts with the knowledge of wanting to know how far he could fall this time. He knew F.R.I.D.A.Y would inevitably send the suit after him, he had tried reprogramming the AI on multiple occasions now, in a feeble attempt of stopping her from carrying out her primary directive. Seconds, minutes, hours they all blurred together as he watched the small cars and ant like people, before eventually letting out a shaky breath, pushing away the fact that his eyes had glassed over. He stumbled back into the penthouse, grabbing a bottle of scotch from the small bar area as he headed for the settee once more. He slumped down on it as he poured himself one last glass of scotch, downing it and letting the pleasant burning sensation distract his thoughts if only for a moment, the bottle had almost been emptied when he finally passed out, F.R.I.D.A.Y sadly hoping that he would at least eat when he awoke.

It was around 8am when he was awakened by violent shaking.

“I’m awake, I’m awake.” He said tiredly, beginning to weakly sit up.

“Jesses Tony… how much did you drink last night?” Rhodey asked, looking at the mass of bottles sprawled haphazardly along the penthouses floor.

“Only as much as I have every night.” He said tiredly, bringing his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. Eventually standing, he headed towards the small bar area once more, however once Rhodey had cottoned on to where Tony was headed he wrapped his hand around his friends wrist, yanking him backwards, making them now eye to eye.

“You are not drinking again… it’s eight in the fucking morning Tony!” He exclaimed, staring icily at his long time friend. Tony scoughed loudly before bringing his arm to wrest at his side, pulling his hand out of Rhodey's grasp in the process.

“Give me one god-damn reason to not drink.” He said weakly, not particularly feeling up-to arguing with his best friend this morning, however as his eyes darted between Rhodey's, his brain finally processing the silent yet emotionally filled glare that was directed at him.

“Exactly.” Rhodey sighed painfully, watching sadly as Tony began slowly walking towards the bar area.

“If you’re going to drink yourself to oblivion then I’m having no part in it.” He said once Tony had reached the bar and begun pouring himself a small glass of scotch.

“Suit yourself.” Tony said before downing the small glass he had poured for himself, wincing ever so slightly at the feel of the drink trickling down his bare throat.

“Why do you do this to yourself!” Rhodey finally said, glaring at Tony with narrowed eyes.

“Why do you think!” He said as loudly as his voice would allow, slamming the bottle of scotch onto the counter top.

“...She will be fine, stop worrying, you know she can take care of herself.” Rhodey replied sadly, letting out a long concerned and worried filled sigh, his posture visibly untightening.

“She’s been gone almost seven fucking months… its blindingly obvious she’s off with some other man, maybe she finally realised how much of a monster I am.” He said after downing yet another drink.

“Tones…” Before Rhodey could finish however, Tony cut in saying.

“Fry, enlighten Honey Bear here how many times I’ve tried committing suicide in the last 7 months.” He said, the last few words lowering in octave dramatically.

“...Boss has attempted to kill himself over 126 times in the last 7 months.” F.R.I.D.A.Y said blandly, concern filling each of her words. The air rushed out of Rhodey's lungs once the soothing yet equally quiet voice of F.R.I.D.A.Y ceased, he watched silently as Tony began walking towards one of the floor to ceiling windows.

“Just go.” He said deflatedly, not turning to look at the saddened face of his friend.

“T…” Before Rhodey could finish Tony cut-in, saying.

“Just leave, I want to be alone.” There was a long period of silence as Rhodey board a concerned hole into Tony's back, the silence finally being broken by Rhodey's slowly retreating footsteps. Before he took the final step which would have placed him in the passionately waiting elevator he turned to look at Tony one last time, saying.

“I hope you know that there are people who care about you.” He said quietly, taking the final step forward, the elevator doors sliding shut behind.

It was a week after Rhodey's appearance when Tony finally ran out of booze, F.R.I.D.A.Y blandly refusing to order him anymore. It was when he attempted creating something similar to alcohol out of chemicals found in his lab, when F.R.I.D.A.Y contacted the others. Most of them were located in upstate New York apart from Clint however, who was spending what time he had with his family.

It was around 8pm when the rest of them entered the tower. However after entering Tony's lab, worry quickly spread along the small group of people. He was sprawled along the black U shaped settee, face first, Bruce had rushed over to him almost instantaneously, followed closely by Vision. As he felt the slow yet undeniably rhythmic beat of his pulse a small amount of worry lifted off-of his shoulders, however the speed of which his heart was beating worried the scientist to know-end.  

“He needs to get to medical now!” Bruce half yelled, It was a few minutes later when Steve along with Sam had placed Tony into the back of the black SUV they arrived in. Bruce and Vision were sitting with Tony in their lap, Vision had his hand over Tony’s chest and eyes closed while Bruce had his hand on Tony’s wrist, keeping tabs on his pulse. After they had arrived at the compound Bruce along with Vision helped Tony into a wheelchair, wheeling him towards the nearest medical bay. Tony was placed into one of the compounds many private rooms, Vision, Bruce and Dr. Cho (along with other medical staff) began hooking Tony up to all manner of machines. Sam and Steve starred blankly through the dividing window, worry clearly taking over their features.

“We need to tell Natasha.” Sam said finally.

“Fury said there was to be no contact with her unless it was an emergency.” Steve said, letting out a long yet worried sigh.

A few minutes later Vision exited the room, the android having a look of distress on his face.

“Whatever mixture Mr. Stark had taken in his lab has coursed the left over alcohol in his system to react in an extremely unpleasant way… if we hadn’t reached Mr. Stark when we did... he would most likely have not survived.” Once Vision had finished speaking, Steve and Sam’s eyes widened ever so slightly.

“He's going to be ok right?” Sam asked curiously, concern taking over the main tone of his voice. Visions glume nod let a small per-portion of the worry lift off-of the two soldiers shoulders, a few moments later Vision was called back into the room.

“I’ll go talk to Fury.” Steve said determination clear in his eyes.

A week had passed before Tony finally awoke, his vision was blurred at first as he began adjusted to the rooms bright light. He groaned painfully, beginning to feel the excruciating sensation in his head, like a hangover but worse tenfold. He tried to sit up, feeling a hand against his chest, push him back down almost instantaneously.

“You need rest.” Bruce said, a hint of relief in his voice.

“What happened?” Tony asked, not able to recollect anything after the talk he had with Rhodey.

“Don’t you remember?” Bruce asked; worry easily seeping into his words.

“The last thing I remember was talking to Rhodey.” He said turning to look at his friend. by now his eyes had accustomed to the bright light held within the room.

“That was two weeks ago Tony.” His eyes snapped to look into Bruce's, worry clearly held within each pupil. Tony sighed weakly before leaning his head back against the end of the medical bed, looking up at the ceiling.

“...I’m assuming Natasha isn’t here.” He said flatly, Bruce sighed equally as tired as Tony, before averting his gaze downwards, not particularly wanting to see the look on his friends face, as he said.

“...No… when we got hold of her she was…” Tony gradually moved so that his gaze was staring at his friends lowered head.

“Bruce?” He asked worriedly, he may still be mad at her but if she was hurt or in-danger… he wouldn’t forgive himself for not going after her.

“...With another man.” He said quietly, bringing his gaze up to meet Tony's, sorrow written over his features. Tony shrugged indifferently before looking back up at the ceiling, closing his eyes in the process.

“Are you ok?” Bruce asked equally as quiet, nervousness clearly heard in his voice.

“What do you think!?” He barked back, keeping his eyes firmly shut so that Bruce wasn't capable of seeing the glassy texture they had taken.

“The woman I…”  _I love_ “is off with some other man… maybe Rhodey was right when he said no one gets close to a black widow.” What little colour was left drained from Bruce's face hearing those words, however before he could say anything further a third voice came from the doorway.

“Bruce can you give me and Tony a minute.” Clint said, Bruce nodded warily before checking the medical equipment one last time and leaving the room. Clint approached the chair next to Tony's bed quietly, before lowering himself into it. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his upper thighs, en-lacing each of his hands together in the process. 

“You know she does care about you.” Tony snorted disdainfully at his words, before reluctantly looking over at him.

“Does this look like care to you?... Me stuck in a hospital bed, her off with this _other_  man… I don’t want to hear about her ‘supposed care’ because it’s not real… you know maybe she’s better off without me.” He said, the last words coming out almost as a whisper, Clint sighed tiredly, bringing his hand up to rub the bridge of his nose calmly.

“Tony I…” Before he was able to continue, he was interrupted by F.R.I.D.A.Y, her voice coming from Tony’s cell.

“Boss, there’s been a break-in at Avengers tower.” Most of the Avengers had been staying at the compound; however after Natasha’s fifth month of leave Tony couldn’t bare to be around anyone any longer, he sighed tiredly, not particularly wanting to deal with the fallout of any stolen data.

“Did you run facial recognise?”

“Yes Boss, I locked the aslant inside of your lab.” Tony couldn’t help the light smirk which graced his lips at F.R.I.D.A.Y’s words. He cautiously picked up the reinforced glass phone situated on the bedside cabinet, eventually swiping upwards, revealing the live CCTV footage of his lab. It was then that his eyes became impossibly wide. Sitting down on his black U – shaped settee, with an iron man suit standing defensively next to her was Natasha. He dragged himself into a siting potion (his legs dangling over the side of the medical bed) ripping out a variety of different cables and IV lines before Clint could properly process what he had just witnessed on Tony’s cell.

“Bruce said you need rest.” Clint said a few moments later, his senses finally coming back to him.

“I’m going to the Tower and you can’t change my mind.” He said determinedly, beginning to walk over to a table which held his old clothes, Clint sighed exasperatedly before saying.

“I’m not letting you go there alone, especially not after what happened.” Tony gave him a hesitant yet grateful smile, before gesturing for him to stand outside as he got changed.

Half an hour or so had passed before the Quinjet finally touched down at the top of Avengers Tower.

“Could you stay here while I go talk to her?” Tony asked, wanting to be alone with her so that he could figure out why she had been gone for so long, and who the… other guy was. Clint nodded knowingly before walking back to the front of the jet.

It was 3 minutes or so later when the elevator had almost descended to the floor in-which held his lab, however before the elevator reached the floor Tony spoke up saying.

“S-Stop.” The elevator immediately came to a standstill, only seconds away from opening.

“Something wrong Boss?” F.R.I.D.A.Y asked, worry clear in her voice.

“I - It is her right?” He asked, his heart rate increasing exponentially. 

“Body scans and facial-recognition, output a match of 99%.” Tony sighed brokenly, rubbing his hand down the course of his face. He stared silently (for what could have been minutes) at the number displayed at the top of the elevator before reluctantly letting out a heavy breath, composing himself in the process.

“...Fry… start the elevator again.” A few seconds later the elevator doors slid open. Revealing an annoyed redhead who had appeared to have been arguing with F.R.I.D.A.Y, however as her gaze shifted to Tony stepping out of the elevator all of the anger evaporated from her glare. She watched tentatively as he completely blanked her, walking over to one of his workstations, beginning to twirl a clump of metal within his hands

“Tony I…” He laughed coldly, abruptly stopping her from speaking.

“What sorry?” He said turning to look at her, his eyes large brown pits void of emotion. She had never seen this look on him before, and it scared her, she may have almost impenetrable walls which would protect her from almost anything emotional, Tony however was one of few who with little effort could shut down all of her defence mechanisms.

“I don’t think you would know what that word means if it hit you in the fucking face.” She felt a slight moisture beginning to form over her eyes, looking down at the lab floor, she began rapidly blinking what moisture had formed away.

“You know, these last 7 months have been the hell for me… Afghanistan, my father’s abuse, they don’t hold a candle to this, you realise that... If it wasn’t for F.R.I.D.A.Y and her damned protocols we most likely wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.” Natasha looked up at Tony, sorrow filling all of her features.

“T…” Before she could finish Tony turned away from her, walking over to the workstation he had previously been situated at.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y can you play one of the recordings from when the suit caught me.” There was a long period of deafening silence before a hologram shimmered to life in front of her. She slowly wretched her gaze from Tony’s back and to the display, as her eyes settled on the ever so slightly transparent display, what colour was left within her face drained completely. In front of her was a recording of what appeared to be Tony streamlining himself so that he could fall faster, the iron man suit flying after him at full thrust. He was around one hundred meters from the ground when the suit finally engulfed him, however he still hit the ground, a loud scream along with a retching sob was clearly heard before the display shut down.

“Fry, what attempt number was that?” He said quietly.

“That was the 116th attempt out of 126.” F.R.I.D.A.Y said drily, coursing a single tear to escape Natasha's sorrow filled eyes.

“You know where I just came from, that was Dr. Cho's medical bay, I drank myself to near death because of you, you Natasha YOU!” He snarled, glaring at her coldly once again. The cries and sobs which came from her fell on deaf ears, Tony being in a fit of hot rage.

“You know there was something you said to me at the beginning of our relationship “I may hurt you, I may push you away but… I will never cheat, or betray your trust in any manner” what a great fucking speech that was, you know I don’t think you have ever been truthful with me at fucking all.” He said exhaustedly, beginning to rub his temple tiredly, before finally saying.

“You want to know what hurt even more than not being with you. Finding out that you were off with some other man and before you even attempt to say 'it was for the mission' I know it wasn’t. I’ve read every little detail about that assignment folder you were given, I’ve fucking memorised it that’s how many times I’ve read it.” Tony eventually turned away from her, not being able to stomach the expression written over her features any longer.

“Tony… let me explain.” He scoffed at her words before whirling around to look at her once again.

“Go ahead, I would love to hear how you are going to explain your way out of this one.” His arms were crossed over his chest, his eyes showing the faintest hint of red. However before she could begin explaining what had happened on her assignment the elevator doors slid open, revealing a blank faced Clint.

“Tony can you give us a minute.” He said coldly, Tony almost instantly began stalking towards the elevator, not caring/bothering to glance over his shoulder at the two of them.

“Do you have any fucking idea what you’ve done to him... I was with Laura and the kids when I got the phone call saying that I needed to get to the compound ASAP.” Clint said once the elevator doors had slid shut, Natasha looked down at the floor, wiping away yet another tear which had left her ever increasing puffy eyelids.

“Who is he?” Clint asked flatly, crossing his arms over his chest.

“H – He was an assignment, he was the reason I had to stay longer.” Clint rolled his eyes tierdly at Natasha’s words.

“You know I’ve been more up-to-date about your mission than Tony has, I even know the real reason why you stayed longer. So don’t give me some bullshit saying he was an assignment because that won’t work on me.” Natasha wretched her gaze from the shimmering lab floors and up to Clint’s eerily quiet expression.

“His n - name was James, he was killed by a HYDRA operative.” Natasha almost instantaneously averted her gaze back down to the lab floor, not being able to look at her friends blank stare any longer.

“What you’ve done to him… I may have thought of him as this pig-headed, inflated ego jerk but even I can see that, that was just a defence mechanism to not let anyone close.” Before Clint could say anything further the suit which had been standing next to Natasha disassembled, the parts flying towards the already open elevator.

Natasha’s head shot up, watching as the parts flew off. Clint let out a tired sigh as he rubbed the bridge of his nose, before any of them could say or react in anyway possible F.R.I.D.A.Y's blank irish voice came through the speakers, saying.

“Boss is currently en-route towards Malibu.” Natasha shot upwards almost instantly after hearing those words, heading for the elevator, not caring if Clint followed or not. It was when the elevator doors didn’t close that she looked up at the ceiling, her brow furrowing in confusion.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y?” She asked quietly, there was a long preiod of silence before F.R.I.D.A.Y finally spoke up, saying.

“Barton, would you like me to start the elevator?” Natasha’s mouth opened and shut like a goldfish for a moment or two before Clint let out yet another long and tired sigh, before finally stepping into the elevator beside Natasha, the doors closing almost instantaneously this time.

“C…” Before she could say anything further Clint interrupted her, saying.

“I think its best that after we make sure Tony isn’t going to do something he regrets... you leave the country. ” His words cutting like a blade close to her heart, she nodded blankly, as her gaze shifted down to the elevators floor. The journey to the top of Avengers tower may have normally only taken seconds, however after hearing those words it felt like it took minutes.

It took them an hour to finally reach the rubble of what used to be Tony’s Malibu house. When they touched down he was already seated at the edge of the drop towards the cold Atlantic Ocean. Natasha had asked Clint to stay in the jet, wanting to speak to Tony alone, It took her a few minutes to finally reach him, the Quinjet having been landed a fare few feet away.

“Why… why did you do it?” He said weakly once he was sure Natasha was within ear shot. She inhaled deeply before her gaze drifted from Tony’s slumped back and down to her ever shifting feet.

“I… He understood me.” She heard Tony bark out a cold quiet laugh, before saying.

“And I didn’t?” There was a brokenness to his tone which she hadn’t previously heard, coursing her heat to constrict painfully within her chest.

“You know, after Pepper I never thought I could love someone again. I cut that part out of my life but… you showed me that there was someone out there who I could L… have ended up loving even more than her.” Natasha’s eyes slowly made their way back up to Tony’s now ridged back, moisture had formed in her eyes the moment she heard him speak, however a tear slowly wrenched itself out of her green despair filled eyes.

“This place reminds me of us you know... broken, destroyed, but… There was a time where it was beautiful.” A sob wrenched itself from her slightly open mouth, coursing Tony to shake his head and chuckle to himself lightly.

“There will be a part of me that will always love you… but I can’t trust you again.” Tony dragged himself upwards before turning to look at her, Natasha for the first time seeing the man underneath all of the masks and high walls.

“Tony I…” She cut herself off however, the broken look held withing every inch of Tony's features making her realise just how painfully his heart was ripping in two, and just how painfully what little was left her own was shattering.

“I think its best if you don’t come back to the compound.” He said, brushing past her and beginning to walk towards the armour which had been standing behind her.  
She couldn’t bring herself to try and stop him, realising that she had lost him… It was a few seconds later when she finally heard the familiar _whooshing_ sound of the armour flying off. She stood there, staring out at the night sky and cold Atlantic Ocean, before collapsing to her knees. Sobs and tears finally wrenching themselves freely and uncontrollably from her.

She had broken him… and she was alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Congrats, you made it to the end of whatever this story is. This was one of a fare few (angsty) drafts I created for Ironwidow, however after a fare few re-reads I found this to be one of my better pieces.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading or found some sort of satisfaction from this story either-way, I would love to hear your thoughts on this whether they are positive or negative.
> 
> [UDATE] 07/07/2018
> 
> This is a minor Update, I reworded small portions of the story I wasn't happy with while also correcting any grammar mistakes I found. There is also a sequel i have been drafting for a while now, however I can't say when it will be done as i have been suffering from sever writers block for the last few months.
> 
> [UPDATE] 12/09/2018
> 
> Am planning on rewriting parts of this story some time in the future.


End file.
